Reaping Hearts

I want to be the one you leave her for. Yet should you cease to be one with her so will the posterns to the abyss of my heart be barred from thee. I could never deceive my heart to trust he who betrays the one he calls his missing rib. If she is your heart then what am I?

For surely you cannot possess twice the love. Give one throbbing heart to me and another to her? Or will you fragment your affection into a pie chart?  Bequeathing the lions share to her and the measly lonesome to your adored.

You called me that remember? On that tenth meet when you kissed me in the muvule tree house while the rest of paintball team faded away into the background. Your adored, your sweet bébé, your safe harbor.

Words wouldn’t suffice to articulate how one look sped the thump-thump of my heart, how a caress created butterflies the size of dragons in my frame. It not fair that just one kiss broke me, like Aurora waking from a thousand days slumber. I couldn’t un-taste your lips, I was habituated to your ambrosia.

I now understand how someone can be addictive. How it feels to be walled off in a prison to which you gave the jailer lock & key willingly. To have the very essence of their being ensnare your soul it hurts to be absent from them. To jerk and run when they tag at your heart strings like a puppet master. To be frightened of the possibility of dying of a broken heart.

I want…no need to follow you into that raven darkness but I am afraid you will let my small hand go only for me to diminish away in obscurity. Have I become that girl that is resigned to play second fiddle? Am I content to hold at bay your demons while she glories in saccharine bliss? Did you mean all the things you said or were they lies spun in the moment? Heavens, I despise you!

I should have stayed with him instead. My old flame was contented and at ease with every crevice of my fake delight. His precious was my icebox heart. Yes, Pain & I have for eons danced to a rhythm of our own creation. Me to the fluid movements of tango, him to the counted steps of foxtrot but we still fall in sync right back to where we started.

I hope I find the happiness I am pretending to have. I could try and pull a long con on my glacial heart but what would I say to it about us? Star crossed lovers or a play thing for the Fates?  Perhaps we were just strangers with some memories that happened once a lifetime ago when you were mine. Or were you ever mine?